So the other day my friend Amanda* was checking out Craigslist ads for housing because she was considering subletting a room in the fall. She would send me different listings that seemed reasonable to get my opnions on them, but no one really stood out about the rest. They were all fairly typical: price, description of apartment, few lines about how they are friendly and clean. Whatever, blah blah, here are some pictures. I didn't think I would be much of a help since they were all so similar, until she asked me a very important question.
What is BDSM?
To be honest with you, my first reaction was to laugh at her for a few minutes. Then, between gasping breathes from laughing so hard, I was forced to ask why she wanted to know since this question came out of context. Only when she sent me this posting did I explain to her what BDSM was.
This is the posting copied and pasted verbatim:
$700 Female Only BDSM Lifestyle House (JP)
We are a group of 3 Females (and one male servant)........ Gay friendly ........in our 20's......... in JP. We share a common interest ....We are are looking for a FEMALE roomate only ......who shares the same interests or at least understands (If you don't know what BDSM is then don't reply) Please be serious and real . Reply with contact number.
Now not only is this posting a little bit insane, but it truly seems like it should be found on the "Casual Encounters" section of Craigslist rather than the "Apt/Housing" section. Here's the thing, I totally don't judge this kind of stuff. Hey, it's your life, do what you want with it. I'm big on the live and let live mentality. However, the idea of my friend Amanda going and checking out this apartment without being aware of what BDSM is was almost too much to bear.
Other friends, like Amanda, that don't know BDSM is might want to get out this link:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bdsm
However the brief description is that BDSM stands for bondage, discipline (or) dominance, submission (or) sadism and masochism. So if you didn't know that, can you possibly imagine what you would have walked into at that apartment!
I decided to be kind and explain to her what it was so she didn't waste her time. But I almost let her go when she said to me, "Wow they have a servent, it must be a really nice place!" just to watch her freak out when she realized what kind of "servant" he really was.
So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including kink-loving people looking for a new roommate.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not to so innocent, and myself.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Top 10 Horror Roommate Stories: Part 3
Where we left off in the series we had two different types of crazy. The "bitch" crazy and the "insecure" crazy. Now we have my least favorite kind of crazy, the "attention whore" crazy.
8) OH GOD A SPIDER!! *hyperventilates and collapses"
So this is my most recent horror roommate story. It happened this past summer (2010) when I was living in Allston. During that summer my one roommate moved home to save some money. So we had a sublet move-in. I now notice that two out of three of my stories so far are with sublets, damn I've had some bad luck. The sublet that moved in, Trish*, was cool at first. But she slowly began to show us her crazy side, just making outlandish comments and doing ridiculous things just for the attention. Nothing drove me too nuts, until she unleashed her crazy full force during what I consider to be a very important time.
That time was Sunday's at 10:00PM. And what, you may ask, is so important at 10:00PM on Sunday's? The answer is only the greatest television show of all time, True Blood. I know many of you may be mocking me right about now, but don't knock it until you've tried it! (BTW I know that I am just as ridiculous as some of the people I write about, no need to point it out. But this is my blog, so whatever.) So there I am with my other roommate watching True Blood. Literally all of the lights are off and there is five minutes left in the episode. It is dead silent in the apartment except for the tv, and Trish knows how much we love this show.
She came home when the episode was almost over. To her credit she very quietly waved at us and walked up the steps to her room. That's when you would think she found a dead body on her stairwell.
She SCREAMED. Like a blood curtling, ear drum shattering, goosebump inducing, scream you would use upon finding your neighbor gutted and hung from a tree by Ghostface a la "Scream." Then she came running down the steps, hyperventilating the entire time. At this point we obviously paused the show to see what was wrong (I'm not heartless).
She crumbles to the floor in a disheveled heap, panting for breath, leaning against the door frame for support. And she barely chokes out, "Spider. Spider."
Ok at this point I'm thinking it has to be a big fucking spider to induce this kind of reaction. So I get up, grab a papertowl and a shoe, and go on a spider killing mission. When I say the spider was the teeniest, tiniest thing in the world, I am not exagerrating. I barely even saw it. It was so small that I would have felt like a giant human bully for killing it, so I just left it be and told Trish I killed it.
At this point I resummed my position on the coach, hit play, and continued the last few minutes of my favorite show. Since I was pissed she interupted me for literally no reason I made no effort to give her a hand. She sat there, hyperventilating and occassionally skrieking for a solide two hours. Legitimately just waiting for someone to ask if she's alright or offer her a hand.
Which none of us did. Like I said, it's my least favorite kind of crazy. I don't give into attention craving, spider fearing, room subleting, nut jobs. Now I understand that arachnophobia is a real thing. But I also understand that this girl was not an arachnophobe, and was really just scared that people weren't paying attention to her.
So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including attention seeking lunatics.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent, and myself.
8) OH GOD A SPIDER!! *hyperventilates and collapses"
So this is my most recent horror roommate story. It happened this past summer (2010) when I was living in Allston. During that summer my one roommate moved home to save some money. So we had a sublet move-in. I now notice that two out of three of my stories so far are with sublets, damn I've had some bad luck. The sublet that moved in, Trish*, was cool at first. But she slowly began to show us her crazy side, just making outlandish comments and doing ridiculous things just for the attention. Nothing drove me too nuts, until she unleashed her crazy full force during what I consider to be a very important time.
That time was Sunday's at 10:00PM. And what, you may ask, is so important at 10:00PM on Sunday's? The answer is only the greatest television show of all time, True Blood. I know many of you may be mocking me right about now, but don't knock it until you've tried it! (BTW I know that I am just as ridiculous as some of the people I write about, no need to point it out. But this is my blog, so whatever.) So there I am with my other roommate watching True Blood. Literally all of the lights are off and there is five minutes left in the episode. It is dead silent in the apartment except for the tv, and Trish knows how much we love this show.
She came home when the episode was almost over. To her credit she very quietly waved at us and walked up the steps to her room. That's when you would think she found a dead body on her stairwell.
She SCREAMED. Like a blood curtling, ear drum shattering, goosebump inducing, scream you would use upon finding your neighbor gutted and hung from a tree by Ghostface a la "Scream." Then she came running down the steps, hyperventilating the entire time. At this point we obviously paused the show to see what was wrong (I'm not heartless).
She crumbles to the floor in a disheveled heap, panting for breath, leaning against the door frame for support. And she barely chokes out, "Spider. Spider."
Ok at this point I'm thinking it has to be a big fucking spider to induce this kind of reaction. So I get up, grab a papertowl and a shoe, and go on a spider killing mission. When I say the spider was the teeniest, tiniest thing in the world, I am not exagerrating. I barely even saw it. It was so small that I would have felt like a giant human bully for killing it, so I just left it be and told Trish I killed it.
At this point I resummed my position on the coach, hit play, and continued the last few minutes of my favorite show. Since I was pissed she interupted me for literally no reason I made no effort to give her a hand. She sat there, hyperventilating and occassionally skrieking for a solide two hours. Legitimately just waiting for someone to ask if she's alright or offer her a hand.
Which none of us did. Like I said, it's my least favorite kind of crazy. I don't give into attention craving, spider fearing, room subleting, nut jobs. Now I understand that arachnophobia is a real thing. But I also understand that this girl was not an arachnophobe, and was really just scared that people weren't paying attention to her.
So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including attention seeking lunatics.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent, and myself.
Friday, March 11, 2011
60 Seconds of Ridiculousness
Ok so aside from being a blogger extrodinare I am also a receptionist at Entercom Boston. Entercom Boston is a radio station company, we run WAAF, WEEI, WRKO and WMKK. WAAF is a rock station that's pretty popular in Boston. I used to intern for them for 4 months, then I was on their street team for 6 months, and that lead to me getting the receptionist gig. There are way too many ridiculous stories I could tell you from working at a rock radio station for over a year, it's just madness here sometimes.
But instead of telling you some tales I'll just post a video that they did recently. It's called "60 Seconds with Spaz" and they post a video weekly. Spaz is one of the guys on the morning show, and he's essentially the butt of all the jokes, the one that gets shit on the most. Mainly because he is quite ridiculous. They asked me to help out with their video this week, and I of course said yes! Check it out below and let me know what you think!
So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including every single employee at a radio station (on-air personality to receptionist).
But instead of telling you some tales I'll just post a video that they did recently. It's called "60 Seconds with Spaz" and they post a video weekly. Spaz is one of the guys on the morning show, and he's essentially the butt of all the jokes, the one that gets shit on the most. Mainly because he is quite ridiculous. They asked me to help out with their video this week, and I of course said yes! Check it out below and let me know what you think!
So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including every single employee at a radio station (on-air personality to receptionist).
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Top 10 Horror Roommate Stories: Part 2
So here is part two of my Top Ten Roommate Horror Stories. Story number 9 really just made me pity this girl more than anything. She is definitely a “lifer” as far as ridiculous behavior goes. Thank God she just subletted for a few months! If you have a horror roommate story I would LOVE to hear it, leave it in the comments below!
9) -Do I look like a slut? -Yes. -Great!
I actually feel kind of bad for the girl in this story, because she's so ridiculous and doesn't realize it. However I felt worse for myself because I had to deal with her. This took place "middler" year (for those of you who didn't go to Northeastern University, we are a 5-year program and the 3rd year is called middler) after 2 of my roommates already moved out to study abroad. One of their sublets was a nice, albeit ridiculous, girl named Jackie*.
Now Jackie was under 21 but had a fake id, so we invited her out with us one night. Mistake. The bar we were going to is tragically no longer in existence, but it was a very casual piano bar (Jake Ivory's for those of you in the know). Translation, it's a jeans and t-shirt kind of a bar. So when Jackie walked out of her room wearing booty shorts, a leopard print tube top, "fuck-me" heels, a face full of makeup, and hair teased to Snooki proportions, we were a little thrown off. But whatever, not my place if you don't want my opinion.
Here's the clincher though, she then asked us for our opinions. I'm not really one to sugar coat things, clearly. This is how the conversation went:
Jackie: Hey how do I look?
Me: Like a slut.
Jackie: Hahaha, no really! How do I look?
Me: Like a big slut.
Jackie: Hahah, oh Ashley! *walks away*
Me: *yells down the hallway* No, seriously, you look like an enormous slut!
Apparently she chose to either embrace the slut look, or she thought I was joking. Either way, she kept the outfit on. Now that's not really a big deal, if you want to dress like a hooker that's totally your prerogative! Anyways, the truly ridiculous part of this story has yet to come.
We're out, we're dancing, and we’re having a great time! All of a sudden it's like a flip was switched. A switch that was apparently labeled "sane” and "crazy." Jackie comes up to us with tears pouring down her face. Big, drunken, mascara streaked tears. She looked like she belonged in an Alice Cooper video.
So she's sobbing and we can't figure out why. In between breathes she tells us it's because she doesn't have a boyfriend. Like I said, the switch was flipped to "crazy." Apparently her big game-plan for the night was to dress like a whore, and then find some guy that wanted to take her home to mom. That was her logic. Jackie and her friend left, and we stayed to finish our night. We (wrongly) assumed by the time we got home she would have calmed down or fallen asleep.
As we walk into the kitchen we are greeted with the sounds of crying and yelling. She's all worked up about how she's single and is never going to meet anyone. I just want to repeat here that she wasn't even 21 yet. Also, everyone that lived in our apartment was single (there were 6 of us total) except for myself. For her to be having such a meltdown was just ridiculous.
Honestly at this point you can pretty much guess what happened. I told her to stop dressing slutty because the guys that will hit on you want to sleep with you, not date you. Also don't expect to meet your future husband at a crowded bar. Then I ate some snacks and went to bed. I also refused to go to a bar with her again after that.
So remember , everyone is ridiculous, including slutty, crying 20-year olds.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent, and myself.
9) -Do I look like a slut? -Yes. -Great!
I actually feel kind of bad for the girl in this story, because she's so ridiculous and doesn't realize it. However I felt worse for myself because I had to deal with her. This took place "middler" year (for those of you who didn't go to Northeastern University, we are a 5-year program and the 3rd year is called middler) after 2 of my roommates already moved out to study abroad. One of their sublets was a nice, albeit ridiculous, girl named Jackie*.
Now Jackie was under 21 but had a fake id, so we invited her out with us one night. Mistake. The bar we were going to is tragically no longer in existence, but it was a very casual piano bar (Jake Ivory's for those of you in the know). Translation, it's a jeans and t-shirt kind of a bar. So when Jackie walked out of her room wearing booty shorts, a leopard print tube top, "fuck-me" heels, a face full of makeup, and hair teased to Snooki proportions, we were a little thrown off. But whatever, not my place if you don't want my opinion.
Here's the clincher though, she then asked us for our opinions. I'm not really one to sugar coat things, clearly. This is how the conversation went:
Jackie: Hey how do I look?
Me: Like a slut.
Jackie: Hahaha, no really! How do I look?
Me: Like a big slut.
Jackie: Hahah, oh Ashley! *walks away*
Me: *yells down the hallway* No, seriously, you look like an enormous slut!
Apparently she chose to either embrace the slut look, or she thought I was joking. Either way, she kept the outfit on. Now that's not really a big deal, if you want to dress like a hooker that's totally your prerogative! Anyways, the truly ridiculous part of this story has yet to come.
We're out, we're dancing, and we’re having a great time! All of a sudden it's like a flip was switched. A switch that was apparently labeled "sane” and "crazy." Jackie comes up to us with tears pouring down her face. Big, drunken, mascara streaked tears. She looked like she belonged in an Alice Cooper video.
So she's sobbing and we can't figure out why. In between breathes she tells us it's because she doesn't have a boyfriend. Like I said, the switch was flipped to "crazy." Apparently her big game-plan for the night was to dress like a whore, and then find some guy that wanted to take her home to mom. That was her logic. Jackie and her friend left, and we stayed to finish our night. We (wrongly) assumed by the time we got home she would have calmed down or fallen asleep.
As we walk into the kitchen we are greeted with the sounds of crying and yelling. She's all worked up about how she's single and is never going to meet anyone. I just want to repeat here that she wasn't even 21 yet. Also, everyone that lived in our apartment was single (there were 6 of us total) except for myself. For her to be having such a meltdown was just ridiculous.
Honestly at this point you can pretty much guess what happened. I told her to stop dressing slutty because the guys that will hit on you want to sleep with you, not date you. Also don't expect to meet your future husband at a crowded bar. Then I ate some snacks and went to bed. I also refused to go to a bar with her again after that.
So remember , everyone is ridiculous, including slutty, crying 20-year olds.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent, and myself.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Top 10 Horror Roommate Stories: Part 1
I know everyone has had terrible roommates. I think it's a necessary part of being in your 20's. It's like if you never had to choose between rent money and alcohol (alcohol wins), lived in a shitty apartment (extra points in there were mice), or had a roommate from hell, then your freakish good luck is bound to run out eventually and you will end up living in a box outside of the 7-11 on Causeway Street with the other bums. I am now, thank God, at a point in my life where I live in a nice apartment with people I actually like. However, it was not always that way. Since everyone can relate to a roommate horror story, I thought you would enjoy my top 10 awful roommate stories. This post has been taking me forever so I'm just going to post them 1 at a time rather than all at once as a way to actually get them uploaded! Enjoy and if you have a horror roommate stories, tell me about it in the comments!
10) Bra + Party = Bizzare Reaction
So I had one roommate a few years ago, let's call her Katie*, that I did not get along with. Actually, almost no one got along with her. This story might shed some light as to why we did not like her. It was summer and hot as hell in my apartment, and we unfortunately did not have AC. My other roommates and I had a small get together, primarily with my coworkers. I worked at P.F. Chang's at the time, and if you have ever been a server or friends with a server, you know we like to party. So we're all drunk, playing beer pong, flip cup, nothing out of the ordinary. And Katie is in her bedroom, alone, with the door shut. Girlfriend did NOT like to party. She was not a drinker, not social, and pretty much just not fun. So when she finally ventured out of her lair to get something to drink (water) she was wearing nothing but teeny tiny shorts and a bra. Now sister had a great body, I'll give her that. But seriously? That's what you're going to wear when there 40 people, least half of whom are male, hanging out in the living room?
So that's already pretty weird. But not ridiculous enough for it to make the top 10. What happened next was though. So Katie's in the kitchen, being bitchy, basically naked, and then she goes back to her room. Before going back to her room though she decides she’s hungry and wants something to eat. Most people would make a snack like a bowl of cereal, leftover pizza, a sandwich. Normal foods for midnight if you are hungry. However I forgot to mention that Katie was also batshit crazy about her diet and pretty much survived on vegetables. So she decides to boil a pot of carrots. Really. It’s a hundred degrees, there are people hanging out and drinking, and you decide it’s boiled carrot time? So ridiculously bizarre.
So now’s she’s back in her room, and it's absolutely NO surprise that people were talking about her after she left. Pretty predictable responses, "Who was that girl?" "She's pretty hot." "Why wasn't she wearing clothes?" “Why was she boiling a pot of carrots?” etc... If you're going to walk around like that during a party, expect to get talked about. I guess Katie overheard this while she went to the bathroom or something, because she then FREAKED OUT about people talking about her. To the point where she confronted one of my other roommates about it and had a straight up melt down. You know how to not have people talk about you? Throw on a shirt next time you decide to walk through a party. Dumbie.
So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including crazy, carrot boiling, naked roommates.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent, and myself.
10) Bra + Party = Bizzare Reaction
So I had one roommate a few years ago, let's call her Katie*, that I did not get along with. Actually, almost no one got along with her. This story might shed some light as to why we did not like her. It was summer and hot as hell in my apartment, and we unfortunately did not have AC. My other roommates and I had a small get together, primarily with my coworkers. I worked at P.F. Chang's at the time, and if you have ever been a server or friends with a server, you know we like to party. So we're all drunk, playing beer pong, flip cup, nothing out of the ordinary. And Katie is in her bedroom, alone, with the door shut. Girlfriend did NOT like to party. She was not a drinker, not social, and pretty much just not fun. So when she finally ventured out of her lair to get something to drink (water) she was wearing nothing but teeny tiny shorts and a bra. Now sister had a great body, I'll give her that. But seriously? That's what you're going to wear when there 40 people, least half of whom are male, hanging out in the living room?
So that's already pretty weird. But not ridiculous enough for it to make the top 10. What happened next was though. So Katie's in the kitchen, being bitchy, basically naked, and then she goes back to her room. Before going back to her room though she decides she’s hungry and wants something to eat. Most people would make a snack like a bowl of cereal, leftover pizza, a sandwich. Normal foods for midnight if you are hungry. However I forgot to mention that Katie was also batshit crazy about her diet and pretty much survived on vegetables. So she decides to boil a pot of carrots. Really. It’s a hundred degrees, there are people hanging out and drinking, and you decide it’s boiled carrot time? So ridiculously bizarre.
So now’s she’s back in her room, and it's absolutely NO surprise that people were talking about her after she left. Pretty predictable responses, "Who was that girl?" "She's pretty hot." "Why wasn't she wearing clothes?" “Why was she boiling a pot of carrots?” etc... If you're going to walk around like that during a party, expect to get talked about. I guess Katie overheard this while she went to the bathroom or something, because she then FREAKED OUT about people talking about her. To the point where she confronted one of my other roommates about it and had a straight up melt down. You know how to not have people talk about you? Throw on a shirt next time you decide to walk through a party. Dumbie.
So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including crazy, carrot boiling, naked roommates.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent, and myself.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
So proud to be a husky!!
This video is ridiculous, and it makes me want to go back to school SO BADLY. Also, it makes me wish I knew these kids/was part of making this video. I can't even contain how much I love it. Just a few of my favorite quotes:
"Don't go through the Fens for a night job, or you'll end up in the crime log!"
"You'll live and die on the green line, and never be on time."
"Yes I'm a coop, not I'm not an intern. Aren't you a junior? No, I'm just a middler!!"
Ok so you might not enjoy this as much if you didn't go to NEU. But if you want to see a really awesome, funny, well made video that gives you an inside look into what my life at college was life, check it out.
"Don't go through the Fens for a night job, or you'll end up in the crime log!"
"You'll live and die on the green line, and never be on time."
"Yes I'm a coop, not I'm not an intern. Aren't you a junior? No, I'm just a middler!!"
Ok so you might not enjoy this as much if you didn't go to NEU. But if you want to see a really awesome, funny, well made video that gives you an inside look into what my life at college was life, check it out.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Don't touch the wizards staff!
This story took place over the summer, but I just got around to posting it on my blog. A few months ago my friend Ted* went back to his hometown in PA for a bit to see some old friends. One night his buddy invites him out to a strip club. Not only a strip club, but a BYO strip club! That's basically hitting the jackpot. Damn strip club beers cost $100/bottle. That's scientific fact.
While Ted was kind of hesitant to believe that a strip club would be BYO, he still bought a 30-rack of PBR and was ready to go to town if it was. So as he starts walking into the strip club, a bouncer (of course) stops him and asks him what the hell he is doing. When he replies, "It's BYO, right?" the bouncer essentially laughs in his face. So Ted tosses the beer in the trunk of his car, and heads in disappointed, but not surprised.
Now he's ready to see the naked ladies, so he figures he'll just order a beer inside. But that wasn't going to happen either. Not only is it not BYO, but it's also a dry bar. When the waitress asks him what he wants to drink, and tells him they don't have any beer, he ends up getting a juice. Seriously. A juice. At a strip club. Now Ted is in the strip club, watching a "19-year old girl paying her way through college" (i.e. 14 year old drop out from Russia), totally sober, drinking apple juice. It didn't take very long for him to decide to leave. I guess strip clubs kind of lose their appeal when there's no haze of alcohol to help you.
At this point Ted heads back home with his friends, determined to forget what a bizarre and uncomfortable night it's been already. So he starts pounding his PBR's, making up for lost time. At this point he decides to make a wizard's staff out of his empties. For those of you who have never made a wizard's staff, you basically just tape together the beer cans so they are all standing atop of another. Difficult or creative? No. Fun? Absolutely. So 16 beers later his wizard's staff is pretty god damn impressive.
Now it's about 3:00AM, which logically means its sandwich time. He and his friends make their way over to WaWa to make sandwiches with the amazing computers. (Sidebar: if you have never been to a WaWa it's incredible at all times. But even more so late night when you have been drinking heavily. Think of a much, much better 7-11, with every type of drunk food you can imagine, open 24 hours.)
So since it's 3:00AM there isn't a single sober person in the place. As people see Ted coming, with his wizard's staff of course, and they start cheering for him. He's chatting up every in the store, and at some point he gets into a conversation with some drunk douche. It goes something like this:
Douche: Sometimes you just have to hit women, ya know?
Ted: Um, no. I don't know.
Douche: No, not like beat them. But just shake them a little when they aren't listening.
Ted: I'm still going to go with no.
Douche: Yea, come on! Like, when you need to get respect from them. Just a slap or something, you know.
Ted: No, seriously, I don't.
Douche: (*Angry that Ted won't agree with him about beating women*) Well I bet you didn't actually drink all those PBR's! *crushes top can*
Ted: ARGGGG!!! *starts fight*
At least I imagine he made an "Arg" sound, I wasn't actually there. What I do know is this conversation lead to a massive fight outside the WaWa at 3:00AM. Everyone was fine in the end, Ted's friends dragging him away from the misogynistic douchebag. The lesson of this story is never, EVER touch someone's wizard's staff. And don't beat women. Or go to a dry strip club. Really it's whatever lesson you want to learn from this story.
But mainly, it's 'don't touch someone's wizard's staff.'
So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including douchebag's and the men they aggravate.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent, and myself.
While Ted was kind of hesitant to believe that a strip club would be BYO, he still bought a 30-rack of PBR and was ready to go to town if it was. So as he starts walking into the strip club, a bouncer (of course) stops him and asks him what the hell he is doing. When he replies, "It's BYO, right?" the bouncer essentially laughs in his face. So Ted tosses the beer in the trunk of his car, and heads in disappointed, but not surprised.
Now he's ready to see the naked ladies, so he figures he'll just order a beer inside. But that wasn't going to happen either. Not only is it not BYO, but it's also a dry bar. When the waitress asks him what he wants to drink, and tells him they don't have any beer, he ends up getting a juice. Seriously. A juice. At a strip club. Now Ted is in the strip club, watching a "19-year old girl paying her way through college" (i.e. 14 year old drop out from Russia), totally sober, drinking apple juice. It didn't take very long for him to decide to leave. I guess strip clubs kind of lose their appeal when there's no haze of alcohol to help you.
At this point Ted heads back home with his friends, determined to forget what a bizarre and uncomfortable night it's been already. So he starts pounding his PBR's, making up for lost time. At this point he decides to make a wizard's staff out of his empties. For those of you who have never made a wizard's staff, you basically just tape together the beer cans so they are all standing atop of another. Difficult or creative? No. Fun? Absolutely. So 16 beers later his wizard's staff is pretty god damn impressive.
Now it's about 3:00AM, which logically means its sandwich time. He and his friends make their way over to WaWa to make sandwiches with the amazing computers. (Sidebar: if you have never been to a WaWa it's incredible at all times. But even more so late night when you have been drinking heavily. Think of a much, much better 7-11, with every type of drunk food you can imagine, open 24 hours.)
So since it's 3:00AM there isn't a single sober person in the place. As people see Ted coming, with his wizard's staff of course, and they start cheering for him. He's chatting up every in the store, and at some point he gets into a conversation with some drunk douche. It goes something like this:
Douche: Sometimes you just have to hit women, ya know?
Ted: Um, no. I don't know.
Douche: No, not like beat them. But just shake them a little when they aren't listening.
Ted: I'm still going to go with no.
Douche: Yea, come on! Like, when you need to get respect from them. Just a slap or something, you know.
Ted: No, seriously, I don't.
Douche: (*Angry that Ted won't agree with him about beating women*) Well I bet you didn't actually drink all those PBR's! *crushes top can*
Ted: ARGGGG!!! *starts fight*
At least I imagine he made an "Arg" sound, I wasn't actually there. What I do know is this conversation lead to a massive fight outside the WaWa at 3:00AM. Everyone was fine in the end, Ted's friends dragging him away from the misogynistic douchebag. The lesson of this story is never, EVER touch someone's wizard's staff. And don't beat women. Or go to a dry strip club. Really it's whatever lesson you want to learn from this story.
But mainly, it's 'don't touch someone's wizard's staff.'
So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including douchebag's and the men they aggravate.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent, and myself.
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