So the other day my friend Amanda* was checking out Craigslist ads for housing because she was considering subletting a room in the fall. She would send me different listings that seemed reasonable to get my opnions on them, but no one really stood out about the rest. They were all fairly typical: price, description of apartment, few lines about how they are friendly and clean. Whatever, blah blah, here are some pictures. I didn't think I would be much of a help since they were all so similar, until she asked me a very important question.
What is BDSM?
To be honest with you, my first reaction was to laugh at her for a few minutes. Then, between gasping breathes from laughing so hard, I was forced to ask why she wanted to know since this question came out of context. Only when she sent me this posting did I explain to her what BDSM was.
This is the posting copied and pasted verbatim:
$700 Female Only BDSM Lifestyle House (JP)
We are a group of 3 Females (and one male servant)........ Gay friendly ........in our 20's......... in JP. We share a common interest ....We are are looking for a FEMALE roomate only ......who shares the same interests or at least understands (If you don't know what BDSM is then don't reply) Please be serious and real . Reply with contact number.
Now not only is this posting a little bit insane, but it truly seems like it should be found on the "Casual Encounters" section of Craigslist rather than the "Apt/Housing" section. Here's the thing, I totally don't judge this kind of stuff. Hey, it's your life, do what you want with it. I'm big on the live and let live mentality. However, the idea of my friend Amanda going and checking out this apartment without being aware of what BDSM is was almost too much to bear.
Other friends, like Amanda, that don't know BDSM is might want to get out this link:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bdsm
However the brief description is that BDSM stands for bondage, discipline (or) dominance, submission (or) sadism and masochism. So if you didn't know that, can you possibly imagine what you would have walked into at that apartment!
I decided to be kind and explain to her what it was so she didn't waste her time. But I almost let her go when she said to me, "Wow they have a servent, it must be a really nice place!" just to watch her freak out when she realized what kind of "servant" he really was.
So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including kink-loving people looking for a new roommate.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not to so innocent, and myself.
Showing posts with label embarrassing ridiculousness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label embarrassing ridiculousness. Show all posts
Friday, April 22, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Top 10 Horror Roommate Stories: Part 3
Where we left off in the series we had two different types of crazy. The "bitch" crazy and the "insecure" crazy. Now we have my least favorite kind of crazy, the "attention whore" crazy.
8) OH GOD A SPIDER!! *hyperventilates and collapses"
So this is my most recent horror roommate story. It happened this past summer (2010) when I was living in Allston. During that summer my one roommate moved home to save some money. So we had a sublet move-in. I now notice that two out of three of my stories so far are with sublets, damn I've had some bad luck. The sublet that moved in, Trish*, was cool at first. But she slowly began to show us her crazy side, just making outlandish comments and doing ridiculous things just for the attention. Nothing drove me too nuts, until she unleashed her crazy full force during what I consider to be a very important time.
That time was Sunday's at 10:00PM. And what, you may ask, is so important at 10:00PM on Sunday's? The answer is only the greatest television show of all time, True Blood. I know many of you may be mocking me right about now, but don't knock it until you've tried it! (BTW I know that I am just as ridiculous as some of the people I write about, no need to point it out. But this is my blog, so whatever.) So there I am with my other roommate watching True Blood. Literally all of the lights are off and there is five minutes left in the episode. It is dead silent in the apartment except for the tv, and Trish knows how much we love this show.
She came home when the episode was almost over. To her credit she very quietly waved at us and walked up the steps to her room. That's when you would think she found a dead body on her stairwell.
She SCREAMED. Like a blood curtling, ear drum shattering, goosebump inducing, scream you would use upon finding your neighbor gutted and hung from a tree by Ghostface a la "Scream." Then she came running down the steps, hyperventilating the entire time. At this point we obviously paused the show to see what was wrong (I'm not heartless).
She crumbles to the floor in a disheveled heap, panting for breath, leaning against the door frame for support. And she barely chokes out, "Spider. Spider."
Ok at this point I'm thinking it has to be a big fucking spider to induce this kind of reaction. So I get up, grab a papertowl and a shoe, and go on a spider killing mission. When I say the spider was the teeniest, tiniest thing in the world, I am not exagerrating. I barely even saw it. It was so small that I would have felt like a giant human bully for killing it, so I just left it be and told Trish I killed it.
At this point I resummed my position on the coach, hit play, and continued the last few minutes of my favorite show. Since I was pissed she interupted me for literally no reason I made no effort to give her a hand. She sat there, hyperventilating and occassionally skrieking for a solide two hours. Legitimately just waiting for someone to ask if she's alright or offer her a hand.
Which none of us did. Like I said, it's my least favorite kind of crazy. I don't give into attention craving, spider fearing, room subleting, nut jobs. Now I understand that arachnophobia is a real thing. But I also understand that this girl was not an arachnophobe, and was really just scared that people weren't paying attention to her.
So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including attention seeking lunatics.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent, and myself.
8) OH GOD A SPIDER!! *hyperventilates and collapses"
So this is my most recent horror roommate story. It happened this past summer (2010) when I was living in Allston. During that summer my one roommate moved home to save some money. So we had a sublet move-in. I now notice that two out of three of my stories so far are with sublets, damn I've had some bad luck. The sublet that moved in, Trish*, was cool at first. But she slowly began to show us her crazy side, just making outlandish comments and doing ridiculous things just for the attention. Nothing drove me too nuts, until she unleashed her crazy full force during what I consider to be a very important time.
That time was Sunday's at 10:00PM. And what, you may ask, is so important at 10:00PM on Sunday's? The answer is only the greatest television show of all time, True Blood. I know many of you may be mocking me right about now, but don't knock it until you've tried it! (BTW I know that I am just as ridiculous as some of the people I write about, no need to point it out. But this is my blog, so whatever.) So there I am with my other roommate watching True Blood. Literally all of the lights are off and there is five minutes left in the episode. It is dead silent in the apartment except for the tv, and Trish knows how much we love this show.
She came home when the episode was almost over. To her credit she very quietly waved at us and walked up the steps to her room. That's when you would think she found a dead body on her stairwell.
She SCREAMED. Like a blood curtling, ear drum shattering, goosebump inducing, scream you would use upon finding your neighbor gutted and hung from a tree by Ghostface a la "Scream." Then she came running down the steps, hyperventilating the entire time. At this point we obviously paused the show to see what was wrong (I'm not heartless).
She crumbles to the floor in a disheveled heap, panting for breath, leaning against the door frame for support. And she barely chokes out, "Spider. Spider."
Ok at this point I'm thinking it has to be a big fucking spider to induce this kind of reaction. So I get up, grab a papertowl and a shoe, and go on a spider killing mission. When I say the spider was the teeniest, tiniest thing in the world, I am not exagerrating. I barely even saw it. It was so small that I would have felt like a giant human bully for killing it, so I just left it be and told Trish I killed it.
At this point I resummed my position on the coach, hit play, and continued the last few minutes of my favorite show. Since I was pissed she interupted me for literally no reason I made no effort to give her a hand. She sat there, hyperventilating and occassionally skrieking for a solide two hours. Legitimately just waiting for someone to ask if she's alright or offer her a hand.
Which none of us did. Like I said, it's my least favorite kind of crazy. I don't give into attention craving, spider fearing, room subleting, nut jobs. Now I understand that arachnophobia is a real thing. But I also understand that this girl was not an arachnophobe, and was really just scared that people weren't paying attention to her.
So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including attention seeking lunatics.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent, and myself.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Top 10 Horror Roommate Stories: Part 2
So here is part two of my Top Ten Roommate Horror Stories. Story number 9 really just made me pity this girl more than anything. She is definitely a “lifer” as far as ridiculous behavior goes. Thank God she just subletted for a few months! If you have a horror roommate story I would LOVE to hear it, leave it in the comments below!
9) -Do I look like a slut? -Yes. -Great!
I actually feel kind of bad for the girl in this story, because she's so ridiculous and doesn't realize it. However I felt worse for myself because I had to deal with her. This took place "middler" year (for those of you who didn't go to Northeastern University, we are a 5-year program and the 3rd year is called middler) after 2 of my roommates already moved out to study abroad. One of their sublets was a nice, albeit ridiculous, girl named Jackie*.
Now Jackie was under 21 but had a fake id, so we invited her out with us one night. Mistake. The bar we were going to is tragically no longer in existence, but it was a very casual piano bar (Jake Ivory's for those of you in the know). Translation, it's a jeans and t-shirt kind of a bar. So when Jackie walked out of her room wearing booty shorts, a leopard print tube top, "fuck-me" heels, a face full of makeup, and hair teased to Snooki proportions, we were a little thrown off. But whatever, not my place if you don't want my opinion.
Here's the clincher though, she then asked us for our opinions. I'm not really one to sugar coat things, clearly. This is how the conversation went:
Jackie: Hey how do I look?
Me: Like a slut.
Jackie: Hahaha, no really! How do I look?
Me: Like a big slut.
Jackie: Hahah, oh Ashley! *walks away*
Me: *yells down the hallway* No, seriously, you look like an enormous slut!
Apparently she chose to either embrace the slut look, or she thought I was joking. Either way, she kept the outfit on. Now that's not really a big deal, if you want to dress like a hooker that's totally your prerogative! Anyways, the truly ridiculous part of this story has yet to come.
We're out, we're dancing, and we’re having a great time! All of a sudden it's like a flip was switched. A switch that was apparently labeled "sane” and "crazy." Jackie comes up to us with tears pouring down her face. Big, drunken, mascara streaked tears. She looked like she belonged in an Alice Cooper video.
So she's sobbing and we can't figure out why. In between breathes she tells us it's because she doesn't have a boyfriend. Like I said, the switch was flipped to "crazy." Apparently her big game-plan for the night was to dress like a whore, and then find some guy that wanted to take her home to mom. That was her logic. Jackie and her friend left, and we stayed to finish our night. We (wrongly) assumed by the time we got home she would have calmed down or fallen asleep.
As we walk into the kitchen we are greeted with the sounds of crying and yelling. She's all worked up about how she's single and is never going to meet anyone. I just want to repeat here that she wasn't even 21 yet. Also, everyone that lived in our apartment was single (there were 6 of us total) except for myself. For her to be having such a meltdown was just ridiculous.
Honestly at this point you can pretty much guess what happened. I told her to stop dressing slutty because the guys that will hit on you want to sleep with you, not date you. Also don't expect to meet your future husband at a crowded bar. Then I ate some snacks and went to bed. I also refused to go to a bar with her again after that.
So remember , everyone is ridiculous, including slutty, crying 20-year olds.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent, and myself.
9) -Do I look like a slut? -Yes. -Great!
I actually feel kind of bad for the girl in this story, because she's so ridiculous and doesn't realize it. However I felt worse for myself because I had to deal with her. This took place "middler" year (for those of you who didn't go to Northeastern University, we are a 5-year program and the 3rd year is called middler) after 2 of my roommates already moved out to study abroad. One of their sublets was a nice, albeit ridiculous, girl named Jackie*.
Now Jackie was under 21 but had a fake id, so we invited her out with us one night. Mistake. The bar we were going to is tragically no longer in existence, but it was a very casual piano bar (Jake Ivory's for those of you in the know). Translation, it's a jeans and t-shirt kind of a bar. So when Jackie walked out of her room wearing booty shorts, a leopard print tube top, "fuck-me" heels, a face full of makeup, and hair teased to Snooki proportions, we were a little thrown off. But whatever, not my place if you don't want my opinion.
Here's the clincher though, she then asked us for our opinions. I'm not really one to sugar coat things, clearly. This is how the conversation went:
Jackie: Hey how do I look?
Me: Like a slut.
Jackie: Hahaha, no really! How do I look?
Me: Like a big slut.
Jackie: Hahah, oh Ashley! *walks away*
Me: *yells down the hallway* No, seriously, you look like an enormous slut!
Apparently she chose to either embrace the slut look, or she thought I was joking. Either way, she kept the outfit on. Now that's not really a big deal, if you want to dress like a hooker that's totally your prerogative! Anyways, the truly ridiculous part of this story has yet to come.
We're out, we're dancing, and we’re having a great time! All of a sudden it's like a flip was switched. A switch that was apparently labeled "sane” and "crazy." Jackie comes up to us with tears pouring down her face. Big, drunken, mascara streaked tears. She looked like she belonged in an Alice Cooper video.
So she's sobbing and we can't figure out why. In between breathes she tells us it's because she doesn't have a boyfriend. Like I said, the switch was flipped to "crazy." Apparently her big game-plan for the night was to dress like a whore, and then find some guy that wanted to take her home to mom. That was her logic. Jackie and her friend left, and we stayed to finish our night. We (wrongly) assumed by the time we got home she would have calmed down or fallen asleep.
As we walk into the kitchen we are greeted with the sounds of crying and yelling. She's all worked up about how she's single and is never going to meet anyone. I just want to repeat here that she wasn't even 21 yet. Also, everyone that lived in our apartment was single (there were 6 of us total) except for myself. For her to be having such a meltdown was just ridiculous.
Honestly at this point you can pretty much guess what happened. I told her to stop dressing slutty because the guys that will hit on you want to sleep with you, not date you. Also don't expect to meet your future husband at a crowded bar. Then I ate some snacks and went to bed. I also refused to go to a bar with her again after that.
So remember , everyone is ridiculous, including slutty, crying 20-year olds.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent, and myself.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Top 10 Horror Roommate Stories: Part 1
I know everyone has had terrible roommates. I think it's a necessary part of being in your 20's. It's like if you never had to choose between rent money and alcohol (alcohol wins), lived in a shitty apartment (extra points in there were mice), or had a roommate from hell, then your freakish good luck is bound to run out eventually and you will end up living in a box outside of the 7-11 on Causeway Street with the other bums. I am now, thank God, at a point in my life where I live in a nice apartment with people I actually like. However, it was not always that way. Since everyone can relate to a roommate horror story, I thought you would enjoy my top 10 awful roommate stories. This post has been taking me forever so I'm just going to post them 1 at a time rather than all at once as a way to actually get them uploaded! Enjoy and if you have a horror roommate stories, tell me about it in the comments!
10) Bra + Party = Bizzare Reaction
So I had one roommate a few years ago, let's call her Katie*, that I did not get along with. Actually, almost no one got along with her. This story might shed some light as to why we did not like her. It was summer and hot as hell in my apartment, and we unfortunately did not have AC. My other roommates and I had a small get together, primarily with my coworkers. I worked at P.F. Chang's at the time, and if you have ever been a server or friends with a server, you know we like to party. So we're all drunk, playing beer pong, flip cup, nothing out of the ordinary. And Katie is in her bedroom, alone, with the door shut. Girlfriend did NOT like to party. She was not a drinker, not social, and pretty much just not fun. So when she finally ventured out of her lair to get something to drink (water) she was wearing nothing but teeny tiny shorts and a bra. Now sister had a great body, I'll give her that. But seriously? That's what you're going to wear when there 40 people, least half of whom are male, hanging out in the living room?
So that's already pretty weird. But not ridiculous enough for it to make the top 10. What happened next was though. So Katie's in the kitchen, being bitchy, basically naked, and then she goes back to her room. Before going back to her room though she decides she’s hungry and wants something to eat. Most people would make a snack like a bowl of cereal, leftover pizza, a sandwich. Normal foods for midnight if you are hungry. However I forgot to mention that Katie was also batshit crazy about her diet and pretty much survived on vegetables. So she decides to boil a pot of carrots. Really. It’s a hundred degrees, there are people hanging out and drinking, and you decide it’s boiled carrot time? So ridiculously bizarre.
So now’s she’s back in her room, and it's absolutely NO surprise that people were talking about her after she left. Pretty predictable responses, "Who was that girl?" "She's pretty hot." "Why wasn't she wearing clothes?" “Why was she boiling a pot of carrots?” etc... If you're going to walk around like that during a party, expect to get talked about. I guess Katie overheard this while she went to the bathroom or something, because she then FREAKED OUT about people talking about her. To the point where she confronted one of my other roommates about it and had a straight up melt down. You know how to not have people talk about you? Throw on a shirt next time you decide to walk through a party. Dumbie.
So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including crazy, carrot boiling, naked roommates.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent, and myself.
10) Bra + Party = Bizzare Reaction
So I had one roommate a few years ago, let's call her Katie*, that I did not get along with. Actually, almost no one got along with her. This story might shed some light as to why we did not like her. It was summer and hot as hell in my apartment, and we unfortunately did not have AC. My other roommates and I had a small get together, primarily with my coworkers. I worked at P.F. Chang's at the time, and if you have ever been a server or friends with a server, you know we like to party. So we're all drunk, playing beer pong, flip cup, nothing out of the ordinary. And Katie is in her bedroom, alone, with the door shut. Girlfriend did NOT like to party. She was not a drinker, not social, and pretty much just not fun. So when she finally ventured out of her lair to get something to drink (water) she was wearing nothing but teeny tiny shorts and a bra. Now sister had a great body, I'll give her that. But seriously? That's what you're going to wear when there 40 people, least half of whom are male, hanging out in the living room?
So that's already pretty weird. But not ridiculous enough for it to make the top 10. What happened next was though. So Katie's in the kitchen, being bitchy, basically naked, and then she goes back to her room. Before going back to her room though she decides she’s hungry and wants something to eat. Most people would make a snack like a bowl of cereal, leftover pizza, a sandwich. Normal foods for midnight if you are hungry. However I forgot to mention that Katie was also batshit crazy about her diet and pretty much survived on vegetables. So she decides to boil a pot of carrots. Really. It’s a hundred degrees, there are people hanging out and drinking, and you decide it’s boiled carrot time? So ridiculously bizarre.
So now’s she’s back in her room, and it's absolutely NO surprise that people were talking about her after she left. Pretty predictable responses, "Who was that girl?" "She's pretty hot." "Why wasn't she wearing clothes?" “Why was she boiling a pot of carrots?” etc... If you're going to walk around like that during a party, expect to get talked about. I guess Katie overheard this while she went to the bathroom or something, because she then FREAKED OUT about people talking about her. To the point where she confronted one of my other roommates about it and had a straight up melt down. You know how to not have people talk about you? Throw on a shirt next time you decide to walk through a party. Dumbie.
So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including crazy, carrot boiling, naked roommates.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent, and myself.
Monday, July 19, 2010
The tragic tale of my first (and last) keg stand.
Now that I have started my first full-time, real-world, adult job, I've been doing a lot of reflecting on my college life. All of the drinks I drank, the spectacles I made of myself, the embarrassing situations I got myself into, and the friends I made. This story from freshman year combines all of those things in a beautiful, disgusting, over the top tale of love, trust, way too much tequila, and my very first keg stand. This story is also the reason I haven't done one since. Enjoy my 18 year-old stupidity in story form. (Also, sorry in advance Mom and Dad.)
So it's a Friday night and I plan on going to a party with my boyfriend of the time and my group of girlfriends (most of whom I still live with today). My boyfriend comes to my dorm room first with a bottle of tequila and I take about 7 shots of it with just him. Already a dangerous start to the evening. Dangerous, but typical. Then my girlfriends join us and I'd say another 4 shots were taken. Keep in mind this is over 5 years ago so exact numbers might not be correct. Then we head off to the party.
For anyone familiar with Boston, this party was on Mission Hill. So it was bound to be a wild party and a good time had by all. Once we're all the party nothing out of the ordinary is occuring. There are kegs of beer, loud music, lot's of people, dancing, games, fear of the cops coming, escape plans being mapped if said cops do come, etc. At one (exceptionally drunk) point I'm refilling my $5 solo cup of beer, (my God parties were cheap!) and I mention that I had never done a keg stand before. The kid I was chatting to by the keg shouts, "Keg stand virgin!!!" and the room is filled with people now encouring me to do my first one.
In all fairness, it did not take my encouraging on their part. I was all about it and flipped upside down within seconds. The amount of time I was on the keg I don't remember, nor is it really important. What is important is what happened next. The crowd in the room went from cheering the number of seconds I was drinking, to chanting, "Chase it! Chase it! Chase it!" as a bottle of Jack Daniels was shoved into my hand.
Now picture this. I'm 18, drunk, and having a great time. I just did my first keg stand and had a bottle of Jack in my hand. The entire party is cheering for me to chase it, including my boyfriend. And I see my friends on the other side of the room, inapparent slow motion, running towards me going, "Noooooooooo!!!!" As if that was going to stop me.
I take a shot, pump my hand victoriously in the air, and immediately fall backwards. Thank God my boyfriend was there to catch me, and subsequently help me back to my dorm right after that. It was lights out for Ashley. Tequila/keg stand/JD = 1 Ashley = 0. It was a TKO.
That is the reason I no longer do keg stands. Or drink Jack Daniels. But I do still love tequila.
So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including drunk college freshman who happily give into the crowds demands.
So it's a Friday night and I plan on going to a party with my boyfriend of the time and my group of girlfriends (most of whom I still live with today). My boyfriend comes to my dorm room first with a bottle of tequila and I take about 7 shots of it with just him. Already a dangerous start to the evening. Dangerous, but typical. Then my girlfriends join us and I'd say another 4 shots were taken. Keep in mind this is over 5 years ago so exact numbers might not be correct. Then we head off to the party.
For anyone familiar with Boston, this party was on Mission Hill. So it was bound to be a wild party and a good time had by all. Once we're all the party nothing out of the ordinary is occuring. There are kegs of beer, loud music, lot's of people, dancing, games, fear of the cops coming, escape plans being mapped if said cops do come, etc. At one (exceptionally drunk) point I'm refilling my $5 solo cup of beer, (my God parties were cheap!) and I mention that I had never done a keg stand before. The kid I was chatting to by the keg shouts, "Keg stand virgin!!!" and the room is filled with people now encouring me to do my first one.
In all fairness, it did not take my encouraging on their part. I was all about it and flipped upside down within seconds. The amount of time I was on the keg I don't remember, nor is it really important. What is important is what happened next. The crowd in the room went from cheering the number of seconds I was drinking, to chanting, "Chase it! Chase it! Chase it!" as a bottle of Jack Daniels was shoved into my hand.
Now picture this. I'm 18, drunk, and having a great time. I just did my first keg stand and had a bottle of Jack in my hand. The entire party is cheering for me to chase it, including my boyfriend. And I see my friends on the other side of the room, inapparent slow motion, running towards me going, "Noooooooooo!!!!" As if that was going to stop me.
I take a shot, pump my hand victoriously in the air, and immediately fall backwards. Thank God my boyfriend was there to catch me, and subsequently help me back to my dorm right after that. It was lights out for Ashley. Tequila/keg stand/JD = 1 Ashley = 0. It was a TKO.
That is the reason I no longer do keg stands. Or drink Jack Daniels. But I do still love tequila.
So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including drunk college freshman who happily give into the crowds demands.
Friday, July 16, 2010
What NOT to do if a cop is behind you.
This is another story from the Amanda* files. One night we went out to a bar, nothing too exciting to report there. It's just background information to let you all know that the next morning was a hungover/still kind of drunk morning. (I know you know what I'm talking about.)
Amanda has an exceptionally bad track record with tickets. Parking tickets, speeding tickets, whatever... she gets them more than anyone I know. So since she was having a rough morning, she was running late for class. As she was speeding along to school (per usual) she noticed a cop was following her. She panicked, thinking the cop was going to pull her over for speeding. Since she was still feeling a bit "out of it" let's say, she was also scared that if she was breathalized she would be given a DUI.
Anyone in a situation like this would get nervous, slow down, have a panic attack, etc. However most people would not pee themselves. And that is exactly what Amanda did. That's right, she peed herself.
Fortunately the cop just happened to be behind her, he wasn't following her or planning on pulling her over. So lesson learned, don't pee yourself just because a cop is behind you.
So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including scared law-breaking chicas.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent, and myself.
Amanda has an exceptionally bad track record with tickets. Parking tickets, speeding tickets, whatever... she gets them more than anyone I know. So since she was having a rough morning, she was running late for class. As she was speeding along to school (per usual) she noticed a cop was following her. She panicked, thinking the cop was going to pull her over for speeding. Since she was still feeling a bit "out of it" let's say, she was also scared that if she was breathalized she would be given a DUI.
Anyone in a situation like this would get nervous, slow down, have a panic attack, etc. However most people would not pee themselves. And that is exactly what Amanda did. That's right, she peed herself.
Fortunately the cop just happened to be behind her, he wasn't following her or planning on pulling her over. So lesson learned, don't pee yourself just because a cop is behind you.
So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including scared law-breaking chicas.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent, and myself.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Really, realtors? Really!?
As anyone who lives in Boston knows the time of year people start looking for their new apartments is January - February. My roommates and I have (sadly) decided not to stay in the wonderful place we've called home the last 2 years. Unfortunately for us, that means realtors and the potential new renters are constantly in and out of here.
We have a few simple rules the realtors have to abide by, since we are living here still, and they just can't seem to get them right. 1) Please call us before you come over. This is important because sometimes only one of us is home. And if we know a realtor is coming at six, we will shower before or after they get here. Otherwise they may show up, knock, us not hear them because we are in the shower, and then they let themselves in with a bunch of strangers. (This actually happened to one of my roommates.) Uncool realtors!!! 2) Turn off the lights when leaving. I know it seems strange that someone would not do this, but multiple times we have come home to all of the lights being on in the house. I'm sorry, are you paying our electric bill this month? 3) Close the door when you first walk in. I can't tell you how many times I open the door to let them in, and they don't close it behind them. So, I guess you are paying our heat in addition to our electric?
If all this isn't ridiculous enough, they also lie. A lot. This I would say is the only upside to having them constantly be in our home. We get to hear the ridiculous stuff they tell their potential renters, and then call them out on it. Or laugh at them. Whatever. It's fun for us.
So there are my two favorite insane realtor lies. We have on realtor who comes here almost everyday. He is AWFUL. Like, truly a terrible realtor. So he's bringing in this one group of girls and he's not a very good salesperson. Our apartment is really nice, it pretty much sells itself. So they make a comment on the paint (we painted our living room purple, it's pretty cool) and how nice it is. The realtor starts going on and on and on about how the landlord had professional painters come in and do it whatever color we want. Also tells them that he might do it for them too if they wanted a different color. We're all literally sitting there while he says this, slack jawed at the lies he's spewing. Finally we speak up and are just like, uuuh WE painted this. Give credit where credit is due damnit!!! But really, we just wanted to call him out on lying. Of course he back pedaled to the girls, but it was kind of hilarious.
Then the same realtor comes back with a different group the next week. Now we are all just waiting for the next set of lies. He does tell the new group that we did the painting, thank God we don't have to call him out on that again. Now I guess this group only had 3 people, and it' a 4 bedroom apartment. So instead of him telling them to maybe find a 4th person because it's such a great find, he went another route. He starts going on and on about how the 4th bedroom is basically its own apartment, and they can sublet it like that.
Now the 4th bedroom he's talking about is a nice room, no doubt about it. It's upstairs so it's a lot more private. But it's just a bedroom. Like, no bathroom attached, no kitchen or anything like that. I have no idea what he meant by subletting it as it's own apartment!!! Unless you don't have any needs aside from a place to sleep, it's definitely not it's own apartment. We all kind of just laughed at him when he said that, and let them go on their way.
Unfortunately our apartment is still not rented, and we are now just waiting for someone to come along. Until then, we'll try and reinforce our rules, and laugh at amateur realtors.
So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including lying salesmen.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
AAAHHHH WHITE PICKET FENCE!!!!
This is story is a classic from 3 years ago. It was my sophomore year and I decided to throw a party in the crappy, run down, perfect for college apartment I was living in at the time. As per usual with parties I had my closer friends come over early to drink before the rest of the attendees arrived. Among the people coming early was a girl named Christina*. Now Christina and I were never that close, but she was close with my other friends so along she came.
Now some back story on Christina is needed for this tale. She is A) a homebody, B) desperately wants to get married and have children IMMEDIATELY and C) kind of insane. So in the beginning of the night there was probably only 20 people at my apartment, equal ratio of guys to girls, perfect scenario for her to talk to a guy. Instead, she disappeared and did not make her reappearance until later when the party was in full swing. I repeat, she is single, wants to meet a guy, but leaves during the time when meeting a guy is the most feasible at this particular party.
So the night goes on, people are getting drunker, and behavior is getting a bit wilder. Not unlike any other college party. I go into my room to grab something out of my closet and this is what I found. On the floor of my walk-in closet is Christina, curled up in the fetal position with my blanket around her, mascara streamed all over her face from crying so much, and literally screaming at the top of her lungs. But she wasn't screaming words, oh no, that would be too normal. She was just screaming. For apparently no reason. During a party. In my closet.
Amanda* is in there attempting to take care of her/console her to no avail. I discover from Amanda that the reason Christina is so devastated is because she's single. It was literally as if this girl had just found out someone had died she was so distraught. May I again remind you that she was AT a PARTY with many, many BOYS!! But instead of talking to them, she was in my closet. Screaming.
At this point, I frankly don't care, and just go back out into the party. All of a sudden like a hurricane Christina goes running as fast as she can past us. Amanda is in hot pursuit of her, trying to convince her to stop or at least slow down. Christina sprints out of the apartment, down the stairs, and out into the street. Screaming the entire time. Amanda is running after her cursing and wondering what the fuck is going on. This continues for, without exaggeration, a solid hour.
Christina runs down the street, up the street, up my stairs, into the party, out of the party, down the stairs, to the street again. At least point she is obviously drawing quite a bit of attention. And I must say, there is nothing more attractive to a man than a hysterically crying, shrilling screaming, hot mess of a woman devastated about being single.
I should have made this girls name Sybil instead of Christina. Needless to say, she didn't end up coming to any of my parties again. But she did give me an excellent story to tell.
So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including sophomores who just can't handle a party.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent, and myself.
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