Top 10 Horror Roommate Stories: Part 3

Where we left off in the series we had two different types of crazy. The "bitch" crazy and the "insecure" crazy. Now we have my least favorite kind of crazy, the "attention whore" crazy.

8) OH GOD A SPIDER!! *hyperventilates and collapses"

So this is my most recent horror roommate story. It happened this past summer (2010) when I was living in Allston. During that summer my one roommate moved home to save some money. So we had a sublet move-in. I now notice that two out of three of my stories so far are with sublets, damn I've had some bad luck. The sublet that moved in, Trish*, was cool at first. But she slowly began to show us her crazy side, just making outlandish comments and doing ridiculous things just for the attention. Nothing drove me too nuts, until she unleashed her crazy full force during what I consider to be a very important time.

That time was Sunday's at 10:00PM. And what, you may ask, is so important at 10:00PM on Sunday's? The answer is only the greatest television show of all time, True Blood. I know many of you may be mocking me right about now, but don't knock it until you've tried it! (BTW I know that I am just as ridiculous as some of the people I write about, no need to point it out. But this is my blog, so whatever.) So there I am with my other roommate watching True Blood. Literally all of the lights are off and there is five minutes left in the episode. It is dead silent in the apartment except for the tv, and Trish knows how much we love this show.

She came home when the episode was almost over. To her credit she very quietly waved at us and walked up the steps to her room. That's when you would think she found a dead body on her stairwell.

She SCREAMED. Like a blood curtling, ear drum shattering, goosebump inducing, scream you would use upon finding your neighbor gutted and hung from a tree by Ghostface a la "Scream." Then she came running down the steps, hyperventilating the entire time. At this point we obviously paused the show to see what was wrong (I'm not heartless).

She crumbles to the floor in a disheveled heap, panting for breath, leaning against the door frame for support. And she barely chokes out, "Spider. Spider."

Ok at this point I'm thinking it has to be a big fucking spider to induce this kind of reaction. So I get up, grab a papertowl and a shoe, and go on a spider killing mission. When I say the spider was the teeniest, tiniest thing in the world, I am not exagerrating. I barely even saw it. It was so small that I would have felt like a giant human bully for killing it, so I just left it be and told Trish I killed it.

At this point I resummed my position on the coach, hit play, and continued the last few minutes of my favorite show. Since I was pissed she interupted me for literally no reason I made no effort to give her a hand. She sat there, hyperventilating and occassionally skrieking for a solide two hours. Legitimately just waiting for someone to ask if she's alright or offer her a hand.

Which none of us did. Like I said, it's my least favorite kind of crazy. I don't give into attention craving, spider fearing, room subleting, nut jobs. Now I understand that arachnophobia is a real thing. But I also understand that this girl was not an arachnophobe, and was really just scared that people weren't paying attention to her.


So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including attention seeking lunatics.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent, and myself.

Top 10 Horror Roommate Stories: Part 2

So here is part two of my Top Ten Roommate Horror Stories. Story number 9 really just made me pity this girl more than anything. She is definitely a “lifer” as far as ridiculous behavior goes. Thank God she just subletted for a few months! If you have a horror roommate story I would LOVE to hear it, leave it in the comments below!

9) -Do I look like a slut? -Yes. -Great!

I actually feel kind of bad for the girl in this story, because she's so ridiculous and doesn't realize it. However I felt worse for myself because I had to deal with her. This took place "middler" year (for those of you who didn't go to Northeastern University, we are a 5-year program and the 3rd year is called middler) after 2 of my roommates already moved out to study abroad. One of their sublets was a nice, albeit ridiculous, girl named Jackie*.

Now Jackie was under 21 but had a fake id, so we invited her out with us one night. Mistake. The bar we were going to is tragically no longer in existence, but it was a very casual piano bar (Jake Ivory's for those of you in the know). Translation, it's a jeans and t-shirt kind of a bar. So when Jackie walked out of her room wearing booty shorts, a leopard print tube top, "fuck-me" heels, a face full of makeup, and hair teased to Snooki proportions, we were a little thrown off. But whatever, not my place if you don't want my opinion.

Here's the clincher though, she then asked us for our opinions. I'm not really one to sugar coat things, clearly. This is how the conversation went:

Jackie: Hey how do I look?

Me: Like a slut.

Jackie: Hahaha, no really! How do I look?

Me: Like a big slut.

Jackie: Hahah, oh Ashley! *walks away*

Me: *yells down the hallway* No, seriously, you look like an enormous slut!


Apparently she chose to either embrace the slut look, or she thought I was joking. Either way, she kept the outfit on. Now that's not really a big deal, if you want to dress like a hooker that's totally your prerogative! Anyways, the truly ridiculous part of this story has yet to come.

We're out, we're dancing, and we’re having a great time! All of a sudden it's like a flip was switched. A switch that was apparently labeled "sane” and "crazy." Jackie comes up to us with tears pouring down her face. Big, drunken, mascara streaked tears. She looked like she belonged in an Alice Cooper video.





So she's sobbing and we can't figure out why. In between breathes she tells us it's because she doesn't have a boyfriend. Like I said, the switch was flipped to "crazy." Apparently her big game-plan for the night was to dress like a whore, and then find some guy that wanted to take her home to mom. That was her logic. Jackie and her friend left, and we stayed to finish our night. We (wrongly) assumed by the time we got home she would have calmed down or fallen asleep.

As we walk into the kitchen we are greeted with the sounds of crying and yelling. She's all worked up about how she's single and is never going to meet anyone. I just want to repeat here that she wasn't even 21 yet. Also, everyone that lived in our apartment was single (there were 6 of us total) except for myself. For her to be having such a meltdown was just ridiculous.

Honestly at this point you can pretty much guess what happened. I told her to stop dressing slutty because the guys that will hit on you want to sleep with you, not date you. Also don't expect to meet your future husband at a crowded bar. Then I ate some snacks and went to bed. I also refused to go to a bar with her again after that.


So remember , everyone is ridiculous, including slutty, crying 20-year olds.


*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent, and myself.

Top 10 Horror Roommate Stories: Part 1

I know everyone has had terrible roommates. I think it's a necessary part of being in your 20's. It's like if you never had to choose between rent money and alcohol (alcohol wins), lived in a shitty apartment (extra points in there were mice), or had a roommate from hell, then your freakish good luck is bound to run out eventually and you will end up living in a box outside of the 7-11 on Causeway Street with the other bums. I am now, thank God, at a point in my life where I live in a nice apartment with people I actually like. However, it was not always that way. Since everyone can relate to a roommate horror story, I thought you would enjoy my top 10 awful roommate stories. This post has been taking me forever so I'm just going to post them 1 at a time rather than all at once as a way to actually get them uploaded! Enjoy and if you have a horror roommate stories, tell me about it in the comments!

10) Bra + Party = Bizzare Reaction

So I had one roommate a few years ago, let's call her Katie*, that I did not get along with. Actually, almost no one got along with her. This story might shed some light as to why we did not like her. It was summer and hot as hell in my apartment, and we unfortunately did not have AC. My other roommates and I had a small get together, primarily with my coworkers. I worked at P.F. Chang's at the time, and if you have ever been a server or friends with a server, you know we like to party. So we're all drunk, playing beer pong, flip cup, nothing out of the ordinary. And Katie is in her bedroom, alone, with the door shut. Girlfriend did NOT like to party. She was not a drinker, not social, and pretty much just not fun. So when she finally ventured out of her lair to get something to drink (water) she was wearing nothing but teeny tiny shorts and a bra. Now sister had a great body, I'll give her that. But seriously? That's what you're going to wear when there 40 people, least half of whom are male, hanging out in the living room?

So that's already pretty weird. But not ridiculous enough for it to make the top 10. What happened next was though. So Katie's in the kitchen, being bitchy, basically naked, and then she goes back to her room. Before going back to her room though she decides she’s hungry and wants something to eat. Most people would make a snack like a bowl of cereal, leftover pizza, a sandwich. Normal foods for midnight if you are hungry. However I forgot to mention that Katie was also batshit crazy about her diet and pretty much survived on vegetables. So she decides to boil a pot of carrots. Really. It’s a hundred degrees, there are people hanging out and drinking, and you decide it’s boiled carrot time? So ridiculously bizarre.

So now’s she’s back in her room, and it's absolutely NO surprise that people were talking about her after she left. Pretty predictable responses, "Who was that girl?" "She's pretty hot." "Why wasn't she wearing clothes?" “Why was she boiling a pot of carrots?” etc... If you're going to walk around like that during a party, expect to get talked about. I guess Katie overheard this while she went to the bathroom or something, because she then FREAKED OUT about people talking about her. To the point where she confronted one of my other roommates about it and had a straight up melt down. You know how to not have people talk about you? Throw on a shirt next time you decide to walk through a party. Dumbie.


So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including crazy, carrot boiling, naked roommates.


*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent, and myself.

Don't touch the wizards staff!

This story took place over the summer, but I just got around to posting it on my blog. A few months ago my friend Ted* went back to his hometown in PA for a bit to see some old friends. One night his buddy invites him out to a strip club. Not only a strip club, but a BYO strip club! That's basically hitting the jackpot. Damn strip club beers cost $100/bottle. That's scientific fact.

While Ted was kind of hesitant to believe that a strip club would be BYO, he still bought a 30-rack of PBR and was ready to go to town if it was. So as he starts walking into the strip club, a bouncer (of course) stops him and asks him what the hell he is doing. When he replies, "It's BYO, right?" the bouncer essentially laughs in his face. So Ted tosses the beer in the trunk of his car, and heads in disappointed, but not surprised.

Now he's ready to see the naked ladies, so he figures he'll just order a beer inside. But that wasn't going to happen either. Not only is it not BYO, but it's also a dry bar. When the waitress asks him what he wants to drink, and tells him they don't have any beer, he ends up getting a juice. Seriously. A juice. At a strip club. Now Ted is in the strip club, watching a "19-year old girl paying her way through college" (i.e. 14 year old drop out from Russia), totally sober, drinking apple juice. It didn't take very long for him to decide to leave. I guess strip clubs kind of lose their appeal when there's no haze of alcohol to help you.

At this point Ted heads back home with his friends, determined to forget what a bizarre and uncomfortable night it's been already. So he starts pounding his PBR's, making up for lost time. At this point he decides to make a wizard's staff out of his empties. For those of you who have never made a wizard's staff, you basically just tape together the beer cans so they are all standing atop of another. Difficult or creative? No. Fun? Absolutely. So 16 beers later his wizard's staff is pretty god damn impressive.

Now it's about 3:00AM, which logically means its sandwich time. He and his friends make their way over to WaWa to make sandwiches with the amazing computers. (Sidebar: if you have never been to a WaWa it's incredible at all times. But even more so late night when you have been drinking heavily. Think of a much, much better 7-11, with every type of drunk food you can imagine, open 24 hours.)

So since it's 3:00AM there isn't a single sober person in the place. As people see Ted coming, with his wizard's staff of course, and they start cheering for him. He's chatting up every in the store, and at some point he gets into a conversation with some drunk douche. It goes something like this:

Douche: Sometimes you just have to hit women, ya know?

Ted: Um, no. I don't know.

Douche: No, not like beat them. But just shake them a little when they aren't listening.

Ted: I'm still going to go with no.

Douche: Yea, come on! Like, when you need to get respect from them. Just a slap or something, you know.

Ted: No, seriously, I don't.

Douche: (*Angry that Ted won't agree with him about beating women*) Well I bet you didn't actually drink all those PBR's! *crushes top can*

Ted: ARGGGG!!! *starts fight*

At least I imagine he made an "Arg" sound, I wasn't actually there. What I do know is this conversation lead to a massive fight outside the WaWa at 3:00AM. Everyone was fine in the end, Ted's friends dragging him away from the misogynistic douchebag. The lesson of this story is never, EVER touch someone's wizard's staff. And don't beat women. Or go to a dry strip club. Really it's whatever lesson you want to learn from this story.

But mainly, it's 'don't touch someone's wizard's staff.'


So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including douchebag's and the men they aggravate.


*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent, and myself.

What NOT to do if a cop is behind you.

This is another story from the Amanda* files. One night we went out to a bar, nothing too exciting to report there. It's just background information to let you all know that the next morning was a hungover/still kind of drunk morning. (I know you know what I'm talking about.)

Amanda has an exceptionally bad track record with tickets. Parking tickets, speeding tickets, whatever... she gets them more than anyone I know. So since she was having a rough morning, she was running late for class. As she was speeding along to school (per usual) she noticed a cop was following her. She panicked, thinking the cop was going to pull her over for speeding. Since she was still feeling a bit "out of it" let's say, she was also scared that if she was breathalized she would be given a DUI.

Anyone in a situation like this would get nervous, slow down, have a panic attack, etc. However most people would not pee themselves. And that is exactly what Amanda did. That's right, she peed herself.

Fortunately the cop just happened to be behind her, he wasn't following her or planning on pulling her over. So lesson learned, don't pee yourself just because a cop is behind you.

So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including scared law-breaking chicas.



*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent, and myself.

Really, realtors? Really!?

As anyone who lives in Boston knows the time of year people start looking for their new apartments is January - February. My roommates and I have (sadly) decided not to stay in the wonderful place we've called home the last 2 years. Unfortunately for us, that means realtors and the potential new renters are constantly in and out of here.

We have a few simple rules the realtors have to abide by, since we are living here still, and they just can't seem to get them right. 1) Please call us before you come over. This is important because sometimes only one of us is home. And if we know a realtor is coming at six, we will shower before or after they get here. Otherwise they may show up, knock, us not hear them because we are in the shower, and then they let themselves in with a bunch of strangers. (This actually happened to one of my roommates.) Uncool realtors!!! 2) Turn off the lights when leaving. I know it seems strange that someone would not do this, but multiple times we have come home to all of the lights being on in the house. I'm sorry, are you paying our electric bill this month? 3) Close the door when you first walk in. I can't tell you how many times I open the door to let them in, and they don't close it behind them. So, I guess you are paying our heat in addition to our electric?

If all this isn't ridiculous enough, they also lie. A lot. This I would say is the only upside to having them constantly be in our home. We get to hear the ridiculous stuff they tell their potential renters, and then call them out on it. Or laugh at them. Whatever. It's fun for us.

So there are my two favorite insane realtor lies. We have on realtor who comes here almost everyday. He is AWFUL. Like, truly a terrible realtor. So he's bringing in this one group of girls and he's not a very good salesperson. Our apartment is really nice, it pretty much sells itself. So they make a comment on the paint (we painted our living room purple, it's pretty cool) and how nice it is. The realtor starts going on and on and on about how the landlord had professional painters come in and do it whatever color we want. Also tells them that he might do it for them too if they wanted a different color. We're all literally sitting there while he says this, slack jawed at the lies he's spewing. Finally we speak up and are just like, uuuh WE painted this. Give credit where credit is due damnit!!! But really, we just wanted to call him out on lying. Of course he back pedaled to the girls, but it was kind of hilarious.

Then the same realtor comes back with a different group the next week. Now we are all just waiting for the next set of lies. He does tell the new group that we did the painting, thank God we don't have to call him out on that again. Now I guess this group only had 3 people, and it' a 4 bedroom apartment. So instead of him telling them to maybe find a 4th person because it's such a great find, he went another route. He starts going on and on about how the 4th bedroom is basically its own apartment, and they can sublet it like that.

Now the 4th bedroom he's talking about is a nice room, no doubt about it. It's upstairs so it's a lot more private. But it's just a bedroom. Like, no bathroom attached, no kitchen or anything like that. I have no idea what he meant by subletting it as it's own apartment!!! Unless you don't have any needs aside from a place to sleep, it's definitely not it's own apartment. We all kind of just laughed at him when he said that, and let them go on their way.

Unfortunately our apartment is still not rented, and we are now just waiting for someone to come along. Until then, we'll try and reinforce our rules, and laugh at amateur realtors.

So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including lying salesmen.

Beanpot...GO HUSKIES!

So this past Monday and the Monday before was Northeastern University's Beanpot. The Beanpot is when Northeastern, Boston University, Boston College and Harvard all play each other in a hockey tournement. It's a pretty big deal here, and shockingly, I have never gone before. So as it's my senior year I decided it was necessary to go this year.

The day tickets go on sale people line up for hours ahead of time, and they sell out crazy fast. So my 2 girlsfriends and I got in line, waited in the freezing cold, and paid almost $40 for the tickets. (Let me tell you, when you're a broke college student $40 goes a long way.)

The Beanpot takes place at the Garden, which is Boston's big arena that the Celtics and the Bruins play at. So the tickets have seat numbers, not just general admission. Now at Northeastern games the tickets are just general admission, so it's first come, first served. This discrepency is what lead to the riciculous situation the other night.

So it's the first night of the Beanpot and Northeastern is playing BU at 8:00 PM. My two friends I was going with, Megan and Dee, both work on Monday's until 5:00 PM.  So we all met up at home, ate some dinner, then jumped on the T to get to the game.  By the time we got there is was about 8:30 PM.  While we were slightly late, between clearing the ice, the national anthem, and other hockey-related things, nothing had really happened yet.  The game had barely started.

So we make our way over to our assigned seats, as per the ticket specified.  Once we got there we had two of our seats open, but someone was in the third.  Now it was pretty clear that the people in this section all either knew each other, were friends, came together, something!  Also there were three empty seats, that were originally theirs, in the row behind us.  We didn't realize this right away though.  This is what should have transpired:

Us:  Hey I think you guys might be in our seats.

Other people:  Oh sorry!  We all came together and wanted to sit together.  We have three empty seats right behind us.  Do you mind sitting there so we can stay together?

Us:  Sure, no problem.

This is what actually happened:

Us:  Hey I think you guys might be in our seats.

Other people:  Well the game already started!  

Us:  Uh, yea we had work....

Other people:  And you were late!  

Us:  Right, we were at our aforementioned jobs...

Other people:  AND THIS IS JUST HOW THE STUDENT SECTION WORKS!!!

Us:  Are you being serious?

One of their friends who wasn't insane:  We have three empty seats right behind us.  Do you mind sitting there so we can stay together?

Us:  Sure, but that was a weird over-reaction.  *gives them crazy looks*

They then proceeded to talk about us for the rest of the game.  With us directly behind them.  Easily in earshot.

It was actually so ridiculous that we just ended up laughing about it.  But come on!  You expect to get into fights at hockey games.  You DON'T expect to get into fights with people cheering for the same team as you.

So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including crazy college hockey fans.