Worst. First. Date. EVER.

This is a ridiculous and tragic tale a of first date gone horribly awry. My friend Ramon* met a girl in a pretty normal way, at a bar on a Saturday night. They met, they chatted, they drank, they danced, they exchanged numbers, blah blah blah. Nothing exciting really. So numbers are now exchanged and there are plans in the making of hanging out the next weekend.

Now it's sometime midweek and Ramon begins getting texts and calls from this girl about hanging out. First they are going to get dinner, then she wants to make him dinner, and then she says she wants to pick him up and drive him to her place. So now he's getting a bit wary because there are some crazy flags rising, but he ignores them and goes through with the plans. He convinces her to go out to dinner instead of her cooking (on a first date? come on girl...) but she still insists on driving.

Now Ramon made a pretty huge unintentional mistake. He thought he was simply making plans for a dinner date on a Saturday night. He unwittingly made this sat for February 14th. Now a first date on Valentine's Day is NEVER a good idea, however it goes from a bad idea with a normal girl to a TERRIBLE IDEA with a crazy girl, which this particular girl turned out to be.

So they are having dinner and everything is normal enough. But then the girl starts talking about all the pills she's on. As she's revealing information that's far too personal for a first day, a whole nother bucket of crazy comes pouring down on Ramon's head. She's on pain meds for an injury she sustained, but now needs them to sleep. But her ex-boyfriend, whom she is still living with, keeps stealing them from her. Awesome.

Then she proceeds to get hammered at dinner and pick a fight with the woman sitting at the table next to them. You would think at this point Ramon would just want to get out of there, but it turns out that this girl is not only crazy, but she's also kind of a mastermind. Remember how she insisted on driving? Yea, the night is not looking so good for poor Ramon.

So they go from the restuarant to a club to have a few more drinks. The girl gets so drunk that she is actually cut off from ordering more drinks at the bar. Eventually they leave and Ramon is now forced to drive because she is clearly not able to. But before they even get to the car the girl starts throwing up in the parking lot. It's a Saturday night and there are lot's of people around witnessing this. So she is throwing up, yelling at Ramon to not look at her, and giving the finger to the multiple groups of people laughing at her.

So now they are in her car and she gets on the phone with her live-in drug stealing ex-boyfriend. She gets into a screaming match with him, telling him he has to leave because she wants to bring someone home. After a few more minutes of this madness, she gets off the phone and informs Ramon that they won't be going back to her place. At this point Ramon just wants to go home and forget this night every happened, but it's not over for him yet.

He lives at home so he can't bring her back to his place (just to sleep off her drunkenness, Ramon is a gentleman and certainly was not planning on doing anything with her). So at this point he starts driving around to try and find a motel to just crash in for the night. But oh right, it's Valentine's Day and there are absolutely no rooms available any where. At this point it's late, Ramon is tired (and very annoyed). the girl is still wasted, and he's checked at least 10 places to no avail. Fortunately a friend of his calls at this point, and after hearing about the situation he was in he offered to let both Ramon and the date stay at his place for the night.

Cut the to next morning. Ramon is awoken by his date SCREAMING in the basement. She has no idea where she is and is understandably freaking out. Once he calms her down they make their way home. On the drive back to Ramon's house the girl is going on and on about what an amazing guy Ramon is, how she can't wait to introduce him to her parents, and most ridiculous of all, how good looking their kids will be. Really lady?? You think Ramon is ever going to call you again, let alone MARRY YOU after the hell you put him through!?

So he is dropped off and basically decides to never speak to her again. If you think the story ends here you are very, very wrong.

She continues to call him and text him, and for the most part her ignores her. There is one day where he answers the phone however and she is freaking out. She tells him that there is somone breaking into her home and that he needs to go over and help her immediately. Ramon suggests she call her ex, but she says some BS as to why that won't work. Then he tells her to call her parents. But she says they are too old and unable to help her. At this point he makes the most obvious recommendation of calling the cops, and her response to this is that (get ready for the ridiculousness) her phone doesn't work. (YOU'RE ON THE PHONE CHICA!)

At this point Ramon has just had enough. So when she continues to insist that he come over, he of course, lies. Ramon tells her that he's on a business trip in Maine. She demands that he come home from the trip to help her. He says his boss drove and he doesn't have a way back. She tells him to take his bosses car. At this point it's pretty clear that he is dealing with a 10 on the crazy scale. So he convinces her to go downstairs to see if there is actually someone in the house. As soon as she does this, and says that there isn't anyone there (obviously) he hangs up on her.

She continues to call him for months, MONTHS after this epic date. But he wisely learned to never pick up her calls again.

So remember, everyone is ridiculous, especially crazy girls who decide they want to marry you on a first date.


*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent, and myself.