Bar Brawls 101

So I have a group of guy friends who tend to get into bar fights when we are out at night. Most of the time this is simply an annoyance. They pick a fight, we drag them out of a bar, walk down 2 blocks down the street and go into another bar, and the cycle starts over. However one night my one friend decided to start a fight with a girl. Well, strictly speaking she started the fight with him. And ridiculousness ensued...

It was my friend Ruby's* 21st birthday, and a group of us decided to go out and celebrate at the Purple Shamrock in Boston. We'll call the fighting boys Eric* and Ted*. The night goes on and it's typical birthday shenanigans. Lot's of dancing, singing, drinking, and no fighting (yet). It's the end of the night and Ted is looking for girls to hit on/talk to/buy drinks for/take home/whatever. So I, playing the part of "wing woman," was helping him scope out the scene. We spot a girl on the other side of the bar whom we decided was a good choice. Young, cute, fun-looking. Not crazy. (We were wrong.) We decided on a plan of attack.

Now this all seems very ordinary and in no way ridiculous. However I forgot to mention both of us had been drinking for a while, and although we thought we were being subtle, I guess we were being quite obvious. Our whispers were more like shouts, our smooth gestures were more like all out points. So she clearly spotted us discussing her, and she took it in the worst way possible. I don't even blame her for thinking we were talking smack on her, I'm sure it seemed that way. I do blame her for what happened next though.

She comes right up to us and starts yelling about how rude we were. When we try to explain what we were ACTUALLY doing she just isn't having it. This chica gets in my face and is calling me a bitch, blah blah, nothing that I can't handle. I'm ready to just walk away before it escalates, unfortunately I was too late.

Eric sees all this happening and is ready to go. So he gets in HER face and starts yelling. He was basically defending me, which I appreciate and all. But it was very unnecessary. So now Eric, who by the way is 6' 3" and jacked, is having a screaming match with this little 5' 4" brunette chick whom moments before I was trying to set my friend up with. This is just ugly and I can see what is going to happen before it goes down. But it's like a runaway train, it's just too late to stop it and all I can do is watch in horror.

The girl reaches back her hand, and nails out, goes straight for Eric's face. She claws him so badly that there is blood drawn. Not even a little bit of blood, girlfriend got him gooood. Now, I like to think that Eric would never hit a girl, however we won't know because the bouncer immediately jumped in at this moment. We were kicked out before we could even pay our bar tab (which wasn't such a bad thing).

So at the end of the day Eric was my hero for defending my honor, Ted went home alone, and I learned to be subtle when talking about someone. (I bet you thought my lesson would have been to just stop talking about people... but come on. THAT'S just ridiculous.)

So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including girls who hate compliments and like to scratch faces.



*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent, and myself.

You can have your cake and eat it too, but you can't eat other people's icing!

So this story was from a while ago, but it was extraordinarily ridiculous so it deserved to get a spot on the blog. It was one of my girlfriends birthdays, and we decided that instead of everyone spending lot's of money by going out to dinner we would cook for everyone (then spend out hard earned money at the bars - where it's meant to be spent).


So my roommate Amanda and I made a lasagna, salad, and appetizers for 15 people. But the piece de resistance was a beautiful cake we baked, double layered with icing of course. We enjoy cooking and entertaining so this wasn't a problem at all. Everyone was having a good time eating, drinking and socializing before we hit the bars. There was no ridiculous to report until we decided to sing Happy Birthday and break out that gorgeous cake.


Let me preface this by saying that no one sounds good when they sing Happy Birthday, but no one is supposed to. It's not about sounding good, it's about making your friend that you're singing to uncomfortable and embarrassed. So it's noticeable when someone singing is making a significant effort to sound good. By singing opera style for example.


Again, it wouldn't have been anything ridiculous if this person was joking, and singing opera style in a terrible way. Unfortunately this person was a trained opera singer, singing her annoying heart out, upstaging everyone (including the birthday girl) and in general being ridiculous.


But the fun doesn't stop there. If it was just the singing I doubt it would have been blog worthy. This girl happened to be a vegetarian. When we first sent out invitations for the gathering she said she wasn't coming, so we didn't bother making a vegetarian dish. To her credit she didn't make a big deal out of it. But I would have rather her thrown a fit than do what she ended up doing.


So post ridiculous singing, we cut slices of cake and it was a pretty typical birthday scene. All of a sudden we notice that while there is still half a cake left, there is no icing left. The opera girl literally ate ALL OF THE ICING OFF OF THE CAKE. Who does that??? Take another piece if you want more!! Not only did she remove the icing off of the cake to the point where no one would want any more (what's the point of cake with no icing?) but she also USED HER FINGERS to eat the icing. She literally dragged her finger across the cake taking the icing, licked the icing off of her finger, and put her spit covered finger BACK ON THE CAKE.


This is not acceptable behavior. Not at a birthday party, not at someone's house, not ever. Keep your ridiculous, yucky habits confined to your own cake. Bleh.


So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including opera singing, vegetarian eating, icing thieves.

Additionally this video is from that night. While the entire video is entertaining, what you really want is at the 1:18 mark. It's at this point that my friend Mischa points out how the icing was eaten off the cake, it shows the cake, and it showcases her (and everyone else's) displeasure at this event occurring. Enjoy!

Happy Birthday to...*boom* She fell off the toilet!

This tale of a dear friend Amanda* and her birthday in 2008. Amanda's birthday's are always what we like to refer to as "a shit show," and 2008's took the cake. It started innocently enough, the plan was to have everyone drink for a bit then head out to Revolution Rock Bar, one of Amanda's more frequented spots. Just a little FYI to those of you out there who haven't been to RRB, it's a bit more dressy, no cover but expensive drinks. So in order to counter-act the price of the drinks, the drinks were poured more freely before leaving. (In theory, if you drink more ahead of time you won't drink as much at the bar. As this story continues, you will see that things don't always work out as planned).



Upon arriving at RRB we discover that while there is no cover on Friday's, there is a $15 on Thursday's, and wouldn't you know it Amanda's birthday fell on a Thursday this year. So we did what any broke college kid would do, we marched our sparkly dressed, high heel wearing selves down to Sissy K's which is around the corner from RRB. A bit more information for those of you who are not family with Sissy K's; it is the antithesis of RRB. It's small, dirty, casual, cheap and a straight up pub. Also, it has karaoke.


The highlights of this night at the bar include myself singing "American Woman" with a 50-year-old, Amanda making out with some guy in the middle of the bar, and us earning the nickname "The Infamous Ashley, Amanda and Caitlyn.*"



The real fun began once the clock struck 2 AM, and we were forced to vacate the bar. Myself, Amanda and Caitlyn took a cab home, with Amanda's make-out buddy and his friend in hot pursuit of us. Evidently she invited people home for the "after party." Amanda, as graceful as she is drunk, eats shit the second she steps out of the cab. And as soon as Caitlyn and I have her on her feet again, turn to pay the driver, BOOM she's on the ground again!

Half-carrying her into the apartment to clean her now bloodied knees, we are all still pretty riotous. Our next mistake was believing she could use the bathroom on her own. From the kitchen, where Caitlyn and I were preparing snack's for our drunkchies, we hear for a third time that night BOOM!


Lying on the floor, with her dress pulled up and her tights pulled down, is Amanda with toilet paper in one hand and the seat cover in the other. "I fell off the potty!!" She declared. Yes, obviously.


Oh and evidently the toilet cover was meant to keep her stable, but she ended up taking it down with her in her fall. It was found the next morning in her room because she didn't want us to see it. Bit too later there...

The night proceded to wind down from there. The guests Amanda invited came over, ate some pizza with us, nothing too exciting. They did however stay the night, which leads to my favorite part of this story.

As Caitlyn and I were preparing some breakfast the next morning we got a phone call from an extremely hungover Amanda.

Amanda: Ughhh guys I keep throwing up at work. Ugggghhhh...
Us: Um, we're sorry. Can we do anything to help?
Amanda: Yea can you look in my room for my camera. I just want to make sure it made it home with me last night.
Us: Yea no problem. *click*

As I proceed to dig around Amanda's room for her camera, Caitlyn announces she's going on Amanda's computer to check her email. As soon as she opens her laptop a website is up that is similar to when you finish watching a Youtube video and it has the circle button that says "Play again." But it wasn't Youtube.

It was Youtube.

And we clicked it.

There, in all their naked glory, was a couple going at it in an amuteur porn video!!!!! Amanda watched porn the night before!!!!!

We later discovered that the friend that slept on the couch played it as a joke after Caitlyn and I went to bed. But it did not stop us from ragging on Amanda for months to come.

And then posting this story on my blog.

Everyone is ridiculous, including (ESPECIALLY) birthday girls!

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent, and myself.