"It was like the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan..."

The quote above was said in reference to Preakness 2008. If you aren't familiar with Preakness, it's the second most popular horse race (after the Kentucky Derby) in the country held in Baltimore in May every year. It's also a complete and utter shit show.

In 2008 my girlfriends Amanda*, Ruby*, Kim* and I traveled the ridiculously long trip from Boston to Baltimore for this time honored tradition of drinking copious amounts of alcohol while pretending to watch horses. I am going to paint you all the picture of the day, before I get to the real story, to give you some setting. It's 7 am and there are people, mostly in their 20's, lined up everywhere. Everyone is already drinking, but it's pretty tame so far. Most people have coolers filled with beer and ice, in addition to babypools to put all the beer in and tarps to sit on. You pretty much bring enough beer that you don't have to worry about buying any while you are there for the 12 hour day. So basically, a lot of beer.

(FYI: Preakness has since modified their regulations and you are now limited on the amount of alcohol you are allowed to bring it. This modification happened the year after I went, and I'm not surprised that the rule was changed in reaction to the ridiculousness of Preakness 2008.)

When most people think of horse races I'm sure they think of the pictures that are posted from the society crowd watching the Kentucky Derby. Upperclass men and women in their fancy pastel colored outfits, mimosa's and cigars in hand, obnoxious floppy hats on their heads. These people were there, but they were in the seats on the outside of the track. We, on the other hand, were in the center of the track. And that was a very different crowd.

As the day goes on, and the crowd gets drunker, dirtier (we were on a grass field afterall) and rowdier, things begin to happen. Fights start breaking out here and there. People have sex in the fields (seriously). Port-o-potty races begin. Port-o-potty races are when someone climbs on top of the row of toilets, and runs across as fast as they can, while people below are pelting full beer cans at them. Check out the video below for an example.






As it gets towards the end of the day people are not only dirty and occasionally bloody, but some people also get sick. Not everyone can drink for 12 hours straight. So you have, like I said before, the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan. Bodies every where, passed out on the ground, crawling, throwing up. It was gross. What was also gross was the amount of breasts shown.

All day long girls are flashing for free shots, free t-shirts, the crowds cheers, whatever. It's tacky and silly, and while we didn't participate in the flashing, we did comment on the girls who chose to. Many of these girls are decent looking, some even good looking. And you always know when someone flashed because from the general area you would hear "YEAAA!" or "WOOO!" (there were some very intelligent people are Preakness). But by us there were two girls who weren't getting any reaction at all.

One woman was way, way too old to be there. And way, way, way too old to be flashing everyone. She would climb up on a cooler trying to get everyone's attention, yell a bit, flash her goods, wait for the cheer, and hear... silence. The first time I felt bad for her. By the fifth time I was laughing. By the tenth I wanted to tell her to get a clue and stop that.

Shockingly she wasn't even the worst. There was another woman, and this was probably one of the largest people I have ever seen in my life. You know those TV specials about people so fat they can't get out of bed, and need the wall bulldozed down because they don't fit in the door, then need to be fork lifted out of their house? Yea, she was that big. She was trying all day to get some attention too, but was failing even worse than the old chick. That is, until, the end of the day.

She is completely topless, straddling some guy, making out with him for the world to see. The guy she was on top of was also extremely skinny, adding to the ridiculousness. No one was really paying them any attention until someone in the crowd yelled out the most perfect, epic, and priceless of all lines:

"HEY! IT'S ROB AND BIG!"

And it was. It was Rob and Big. I'm not going to lie, it was an awful thing to say, but I laughed.

So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including dumb, drunk, horse race watching fools.



*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent, and myself.

Ridiculous-ly funny finds on the internet

So today I decided to post about some of my favorite ridiculous finds on the internet. Since I'm a receptionist at a company with a bunch of weirdos (that's a compliment in my book) I get a lot of ridiculous youtube videos sent to me.

Let's begin with the classic "Handsome Men's Club" from Jimmy Kimmel Live. The best part of this for me is Lenny Kravitz. But that might be just because I love Lenny Kravitz.

This next video is probably the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen. I don't even want to say anything more about it because I don't want to ruin it for anyone who hasn't seen it. The only thing I will say is yes, he is in fact CRYING.

This video I think is ridiculous mainly because it's ridiculous that this man is not my friend. Seriously. There is a whole series to these but this one if my favorite. "She's a stupid bitch."

So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including people who make amazing internet videos!

Bar Brawls 101

So I have a group of guy friends who tend to get into bar fights when we are out at night. Most of the time this is simply an annoyance. They pick a fight, we drag them out of a bar, walk down 2 blocks down the street and go into another bar, and the cycle starts over. However one night my one friend decided to start a fight with a girl. Well, strictly speaking she started the fight with him. And ridiculousness ensued...

It was my friend Ruby's* 21st birthday, and a group of us decided to go out and celebrate at the Purple Shamrock in Boston. We'll call the fighting boys Eric* and Ted*. The night goes on and it's typical birthday shenanigans. Lot's of dancing, singing, drinking, and no fighting (yet). It's the end of the night and Ted is looking for girls to hit on/talk to/buy drinks for/take home/whatever. So I, playing the part of "wing woman," was helping him scope out the scene. We spot a girl on the other side of the bar whom we decided was a good choice. Young, cute, fun-looking. Not crazy. (We were wrong.) We decided on a plan of attack.

Now this all seems very ordinary and in no way ridiculous. However I forgot to mention both of us had been drinking for a while, and although we thought we were being subtle, I guess we were being quite obvious. Our whispers were more like shouts, our smooth gestures were more like all out points. So she clearly spotted us discussing her, and she took it in the worst way possible. I don't even blame her for thinking we were talking smack on her, I'm sure it seemed that way. I do blame her for what happened next though.

She comes right up to us and starts yelling about how rude we were. When we try to explain what we were ACTUALLY doing she just isn't having it. This chica gets in my face and is calling me a bitch, blah blah, nothing that I can't handle. I'm ready to just walk away before it escalates, unfortunately I was too late.

Eric sees all this happening and is ready to go. So he gets in HER face and starts yelling. He was basically defending me, which I appreciate and all. But it was very unnecessary. So now Eric, who by the way is 6' 3" and jacked, is having a screaming match with this little 5' 4" brunette chick whom moments before I was trying to set my friend up with. This is just ugly and I can see what is going to happen before it goes down. But it's like a runaway train, it's just too late to stop it and all I can do is watch in horror.

The girl reaches back her hand, and nails out, goes straight for Eric's face. She claws him so badly that there is blood drawn. Not even a little bit of blood, girlfriend got him gooood. Now, I like to think that Eric would never hit a girl, however we won't know because the bouncer immediately jumped in at this moment. We were kicked out before we could even pay our bar tab (which wasn't such a bad thing).

So at the end of the day Eric was my hero for defending my honor, Ted went home alone, and I learned to be subtle when talking about someone. (I bet you thought my lesson would have been to just stop talking about people... but come on. THAT'S just ridiculous.)

So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including girls who hate compliments and like to scratch faces.



*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent, and myself.

The tragic tale of my first (and last) keg stand.

Now that I have started my first full-time, real-world, adult job, I've been doing a lot of reflecting on my college life. All of the drinks I drank, the spectacles I made of myself, the embarrassing situations I got myself into, and the friends I made. This story from freshman year combines all of those things in a beautiful, disgusting, over the top tale of love, trust, way too much tequila, and my very first keg stand. This story is also the reason I haven't done one since. Enjoy my 18 year-old stupidity in story form. (Also, sorry in advance Mom and Dad.)

So it's a Friday night and I plan on going to a party with my boyfriend of the time and my group of girlfriends (most of whom I still live with today). My boyfriend comes to my dorm room first with a bottle of tequila and I take about 7 shots of it with just him. Already a dangerous start to the evening. Dangerous, but typical. Then my girlfriends join us and I'd say another 4 shots were taken. Keep in mind this is over 5 years ago so exact numbers might not be correct. Then we head off to the party.

For anyone familiar with Boston, this party was on Mission Hill. So it was bound to be a wild party and a good time had by all. Once we're all the party nothing out of the ordinary is occuring. There are kegs of beer, loud music, lot's of people, dancing, games, fear of the cops coming, escape plans being mapped if said cops do come, etc. At one (exceptionally drunk) point I'm refilling my $5 solo cup of beer, (my God parties were cheap!) and I mention that I had never done a keg stand before. The kid I was chatting to by the keg shouts, "Keg stand virgin!!!" and the room is filled with people now encouring me to do my first one.

In all fairness, it did not take my encouraging on their part. I was all about it and flipped upside down within seconds. The amount of time I was on the keg I don't remember, nor is it really important. What is important is what happened next. The crowd in the room went from cheering the number of seconds I was drinking, to chanting, "Chase it! Chase it! Chase it!" as a bottle of Jack Daniels was shoved into my hand.

Now picture this. I'm 18, drunk, and having a great time. I just did my first keg stand and had a bottle of Jack in my hand. The entire party is cheering for me to chase it, including my boyfriend. And I see my friends on the other side of the room, inapparent slow motion, running towards me going, "Noooooooooo!!!!" As if that was going to stop me.

I take a shot, pump my hand victoriously in the air, and immediately fall backwards. Thank God my boyfriend was there to catch me, and subsequently help me back to my dorm right after that. It was lights out for Ashley. Tequila/keg stand/JD = 1 Ashley = 0. It was a TKO.

That is the reason I no longer do keg stands. Or drink Jack Daniels. But I do still love tequila.

So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including drunk college freshman who happily give into the crowds demands.

What NOT to do if a cop is behind you.

This is another story from the Amanda* files. One night we went out to a bar, nothing too exciting to report there. It's just background information to let you all know that the next morning was a hungover/still kind of drunk morning. (I know you know what I'm talking about.)

Amanda has an exceptionally bad track record with tickets. Parking tickets, speeding tickets, whatever... she gets them more than anyone I know. So since she was having a rough morning, she was running late for class. As she was speeding along to school (per usual) she noticed a cop was following her. She panicked, thinking the cop was going to pull her over for speeding. Since she was still feeling a bit "out of it" let's say, she was also scared that if she was breathalized she would be given a DUI.

Anyone in a situation like this would get nervous, slow down, have a panic attack, etc. However most people would not pee themselves. And that is exactly what Amanda did. That's right, she peed herself.

Fortunately the cop just happened to be behind her, he wasn't following her or planning on pulling her over. So lesson learned, don't pee yourself just because a cop is behind you.

So remember, everyone is ridiculous, including scared law-breaking chicas.



*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent, and myself.

Worst. First. Date. EVER.

This is a ridiculous and tragic tale a of first date gone horribly awry. My friend Ramon* met a girl in a pretty normal way, at a bar on a Saturday night. They met, they chatted, they drank, they danced, they exchanged numbers, blah blah blah. Nothing exciting really. So numbers are now exchanged and there are plans in the making of hanging out the next weekend.

Now it's sometime midweek and Ramon begins getting texts and calls from this girl about hanging out. First they are going to get dinner, then she wants to make him dinner, and then she says she wants to pick him up and drive him to her place. So now he's getting a bit wary because there are some crazy flags rising, but he ignores them and goes through with the plans. He convinces her to go out to dinner instead of her cooking (on a first date? come on girl...) but she still insists on driving.

Now Ramon made a pretty huge unintentional mistake. He thought he was simply making plans for a dinner date on a Saturday night. He unwittingly made this sat for February 14th. Now a first date on Valentine's Day is NEVER a good idea, however it goes from a bad idea with a normal girl to a TERRIBLE IDEA with a crazy girl, which this particular girl turned out to be.

So they are having dinner and everything is normal enough. But then the girl starts talking about all the pills she's on. As she's revealing information that's far too personal for a first day, a whole nother bucket of crazy comes pouring down on Ramon's head. She's on pain meds for an injury she sustained, but now needs them to sleep. But her ex-boyfriend, whom she is still living with, keeps stealing them from her. Awesome.

Then she proceeds to get hammered at dinner and pick a fight with the woman sitting at the table next to them. You would think at this point Ramon would just want to get out of there, but it turns out that this girl is not only crazy, but she's also kind of a mastermind. Remember how she insisted on driving? Yea, the night is not looking so good for poor Ramon.

So they go from the restuarant to a club to have a few more drinks. The girl gets so drunk that she is actually cut off from ordering more drinks at the bar. Eventually they leave and Ramon is now forced to drive because she is clearly not able to. But before they even get to the car the girl starts throwing up in the parking lot. It's a Saturday night and there are lot's of people around witnessing this. So she is throwing up, yelling at Ramon to not look at her, and giving the finger to the multiple groups of people laughing at her.

So now they are in her car and she gets on the phone with her live-in drug stealing ex-boyfriend. She gets into a screaming match with him, telling him he has to leave because she wants to bring someone home. After a few more minutes of this madness, she gets off the phone and informs Ramon that they won't be going back to her place. At this point Ramon just wants to go home and forget this night every happened, but it's not over for him yet.

He lives at home so he can't bring her back to his place (just to sleep off her drunkenness, Ramon is a gentleman and certainly was not planning on doing anything with her). So at this point he starts driving around to try and find a motel to just crash in for the night. But oh right, it's Valentine's Day and there are absolutely no rooms available any where. At this point it's late, Ramon is tired (and very annoyed). the girl is still wasted, and he's checked at least 10 places to no avail. Fortunately a friend of his calls at this point, and after hearing about the situation he was in he offered to let both Ramon and the date stay at his place for the night.

Cut the to next morning. Ramon is awoken by his date SCREAMING in the basement. She has no idea where she is and is understandably freaking out. Once he calms her down they make their way home. On the drive back to Ramon's house the girl is going on and on about what an amazing guy Ramon is, how she can't wait to introduce him to her parents, and most ridiculous of all, how good looking their kids will be. Really lady?? You think Ramon is ever going to call you again, let alone MARRY YOU after the hell you put him through!?

So he is dropped off and basically decides to never speak to her again. If you think the story ends here you are very, very wrong.

She continues to call him and text him, and for the most part her ignores her. There is one day where he answers the phone however and she is freaking out. She tells him that there is somone breaking into her home and that he needs to go over and help her immediately. Ramon suggests she call her ex, but she says some BS as to why that won't work. Then he tells her to call her parents. But she says they are too old and unable to help her. At this point he makes the most obvious recommendation of calling the cops, and her response to this is that (get ready for the ridiculousness) her phone doesn't work. (YOU'RE ON THE PHONE CHICA!)

At this point Ramon has just had enough. So when she continues to insist that he come over, he of course, lies. Ramon tells her that he's on a business trip in Maine. She demands that he come home from the trip to help her. He says his boss drove and he doesn't have a way back. She tells him to take his bosses car. At this point it's pretty clear that he is dealing with a 10 on the crazy scale. So he convinces her to go downstairs to see if there is actually someone in the house. As soon as she does this, and says that there isn't anyone there (obviously) he hangs up on her.

She continues to call him for months, MONTHS after this epic date. But he wisely learned to never pick up her calls again.

So remember, everyone is ridiculous, especially crazy girls who decide they want to marry you on a first date.


*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, the not so innocent, and myself.